You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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