Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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