Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
