I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
