Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
