i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
