i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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