You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
