I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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