We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
