What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
