So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
