apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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