Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
