So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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