On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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