There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
