I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
