I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
