You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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