Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
