First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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