tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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