Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You ruined the universe
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
