Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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