So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
