i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
