my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
