4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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