you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
