I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
and you fell through a lawn chair
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
