my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is my gift to your gina
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
