Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
