This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
