If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
