She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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