I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
