i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
