I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
