I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
