If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
