When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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