just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
