I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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