Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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