Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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