so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
