Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He better not be in your backpack
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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