ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
