new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
