I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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